you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
