Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
