i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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