i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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