she woke up with a sticky ear
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
