I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
