So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i love accidental penises.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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