I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
