and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
