When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
