but the lizard people decide everything anyway
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
