I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
