I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
