Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
