Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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