I met the friendliest cop last night
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
