Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
