You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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