God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
