i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
