Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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