every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
