omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i am craving dick and cupcakes
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
