How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
