One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
