I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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