So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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