i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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