Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
