she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
