I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
