the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
