I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
