My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
