Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
