Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
