hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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