so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
