Capitaan dildo arrescate!
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
