the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
