my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
