How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Pants are for mortals
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
