I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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