i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
