just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
