Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
