Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
