i love accidental penises.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
