I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
