final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
