I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
