your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
